So Weak

When you go overseas to serve as a missionary, one of the repeated pieces of advice is to be aware that now everyone back at home will most likely place you on a pedestal of sorts. They'll think you're this super spiritual person who is closer to God on the prayer chain than your average Joe back home. You get the adventure. You get the crazy stories. You get the radical healings, the spiritual encounters, the miraculous provision. You're a missionary. So watch out for this attitude. Be careful of how others will perceive you when you speak to them. Don't let it affect you.

Well I bought in to it. To be completely honest and transparent, I bought it. Or at least a version of it. No, I'm not better than any other brother or sister. No, I don't think that crazy adventures and the accompanying stories should be mine by right. And no, my prayers don't get to God faster than anyone else's.

I did, however, come back expecting, in the back of my mind, to be strong enough spiritually that I could resist old temptations and hardships, that all the things that tripped me up before I left, and even during my term, would no longer be there. Or if they were there, I would be able to gracefully dance around them, proving to everyone that I was different, that I had changed, that I was more intimate with Christ than I had ever been before.

I am different. I have changed. And I do believe that my relationship with Christ has reached new depths. But one fact that has not and will never change is that I cannot do it on my own.

Those hardships and temptations and struggles that I wanted to simply dance around, those things I expected to be able to do on my own. And I can't. Ever. In fact, I'd even dare to say that in some ways I'm weaker than before. I understand more clearly than I did that I truly cannot exist without my Jesus. I can't do the right things. I can't even think the right thoughts in the privacy of my own mind. Not without His help and intervention. I am weak.

Weak may not be a bad place to be. The weaker I am, the more dependent I am on Christ, and the more I rely on Him and His power instead of my own abilities that always fall way short. I can try to do it on my own, and often I do. And every time I'll end up in the exact same place, as I have each time before. On my face, crying for forgiveness and begging for His help, pleading with Him to save me from myself. I can't do it by my strength alone. And in my heart of hearts, I don't want to. I'm sure I will again - this tends to be one of the repeated struggles in my life - but I am trying. And He knows that. Which gives me hope and encouragement unlike anything else could.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.'"

~2 Corinthians 12:9

Even when I don't understand, nor see how it could be true, Jesus's grace is always sufficient, His power truly made perfect in my weakness. After all, it always has before.